During the winter, seasonal depression is bound to occur, and the only way to cheer yourself up is by realizing that your life isn’t as horrible as it may seem. The remedy: watching ABC’s The Bachelor. The reality show puts twenty five young, attractive, horrifying, jealous, egocentric, demonic women in a house together so they can fall in love with some dude who has a twelve pack. Over the course of six weeks the bachelor has to choose who he is going to pretend to love, and end up spending six months of his life with. During these short weeks, the bachelor will take these women on a number of romantic dates, where they get to spill their life story, which is also one of the only reasons they got picked to be on the show.
I often wonder how easy it would be to get on this show. If your name is Ashley, Ashleigh, Ashlee, Jenna, Jenny, or Jen, there is a 100% chance that you will get on the show (and share names with at least six of the other woman). If you have a secret boyfriend that you won’t admit to until episode ten, Congratulations you’re on The Bachelor! If you have a heartbreaking story so good, that it would even make Kim Jong-un cry, you’re pretty much guaranteed a spot on the show. For example, if you’re fiancé proposed to you and then was killed the next day, if you have a little child (probably a little girl who will never actually end up having a conversation with the man mommy is fooling around with), or if you have more or less than four limbs attached to your body. In the end, the bachelor can only pick one woman, so if you come in second, third, or fourth, be prepared to be the bachelorette next season, because that is what this world has come to, and love is an enigma only found on television.
At the end of each episode, there is what’s called a “rose ceremony” where the bachelor decides who he wants to continue seeing (for another 2 days), and who he wants to say his goodbyes to. On the first episode, seven women are kicked off at the rose ceremony. My theory is that the bachelor just calls the names of the women he remembers, or he just gets rid of all the minorities, because let’s be honest, by the time episode five rolls around, the only color you see on a girls skin, is Kraft mac n’ cheese powder orange from the excessive tanning that goes on.
My all-time favorite part about the show is nothing. Just kidding, but not really. I should say the most entertaining part is how the bachelor says the same things to all of the women. “You look amazing”, “Hey, how are you feeling?” “Will you accept this rose?” It’s like come on already, this show is two hours, and all anyone wants to see is people kissing, crying, and swearing. If ABC were to shorten the show just by those regulations, it could easily be fifteen minutes long, including commercials.
So next time you think that your relationship is on the rocks, you will never find love, or you think that your marriage is in the toilet, turn on The Bachelor, Monday nights at eight on ABC, a great two hours to reevaluate all of your life choices.